Why You Love Matters….part 1

I am going to share a post written Nina Roesner from the Respect Dare website.  It is a longer article, so I will split it into two days.  Enjoy!

You probably don’t need me to tell you that God did something interesting when He created women.  But what you might not know is that brain research shows that women, generally speaking, have a deeply wired need for reassurance. This shows up in a myriad of ways, but here are a few that appear impact YOU because they show up in marriage:

  • Reassurance of financial security
  • Reassurance of her attractiveness to you
  • Reassurance of her importance to you
  • Reassurance of your affection for your children
  • Reassurance of physical safety

And research tells us that at the core of these is the deep need for reassurance of your love for her.  The interesting part is that this reassurance shows up as a frequent need – not once a year on an anniversary, but daily.  Research also shows that most of us women have our perceptions of our relationships clouded by our most recent interactions – if there is a lack of positive feelings communicated towards her, she feels (in her heart, mind you, not her head, she’s smart enough to know the difference) that she is not loved by you.  In other words, we want to know, “Do you think I’m pretty today?  Do you love me today?”

Please be patient with me, this is a little long, but there’s very helpful information here.  Stick with me.

Your wife might know in her head that you love her, but if you have a disagreement and you are harsh with her, or if you put her down, or do something discourteous, selfish, or unkind, while she still knows you love her, she is losing the feeling that you love her.  (I should note that this is different than the “settling” that most marriages go through – that infatuation stage should grow into mature love, otherwise no one could get anything done.) Or if you have certain ways that you show your love for her that are NOT the love language she speaks, it will feel very much to her like you might if this were to happen…

Let’s say you’re feeling amorous. You approach your wife for intimacy, and she brings you a sandwich instead.

This might be a very nice sandwich, maybe a turkey club with bacon, crisp lettuce, and a tomato and just the right amount of mayo.  But it is not what you want at that moment.  Now pretend you spend a decade wanting sex but getting sandwiches instead.

Disappointed?  Unfulfilled?  This is how your wife feels when you show her love, but do it your way instead of what speaks to her heart.

Because she loves God, she won’t just walk away from the marriage.  But she will eventually become discouraged and apathetic, especially if she is working on your marriage and you still are not doing what makes her feel loved by you.  She is then fertile soil for the enemy’s tricks and might start thinking about divorce or an affair, or just start living a life separate from you.

You may have heard the old joke about the long-married couple, where the wife asks the husband why he doesn’t ever say he loves her – he replies, “I told you that the day we got married 40 years ago. I’ll let you know if it changes.” Everyone politely laughs, but most women in the room experience a crack in their hearts – because we all know something you don’t… most of us don’t feel loved by our husbands.

You might think this is our problem to figure out, and to a certain degree, it is.  But I will tell you that some of this resides with you, as well.  And, as God would have it, He is not silent on the matter.

There is some specific communication to the Ephesian church in the Bible that pertains to marriage and Christ’s relationship with the church.  I’m going to give you the verses and then summarize the teaching here.  At the end you will find a link to David Wilkerson’s discussion on how this applies solely to your relationship with God. Stick with me.  We’re getting closer.  It will be worth it.

Tomorrow…..we’ll begin with the most important question of your day:

What if God gave you your wife so you could learn how to love Jesus?


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