All of us have needs we can’t meet by ourselves. There are four needs in every person’s life that only God can meet. These are acceptance, identity, security, and purpose.
The basis of a person’s happiness is God meeting those needs in their life. I love my wife. I don’t want to live without her. But Jesus makes me happy—not my wife. My happiness shouldn’t depend on her….it’s not fair to her.
Acceptance: God accepts me for who I am, right now. He doesn’t require me to have whiter teeth or fresher breath or lower body fat.
Identity: He made me in my mother’s womb and knows who I really am. My sense of identity comes from God. Only God can tell me who I am.
Security: Only God can make me truly secure. Security doesn’t come from an army, a medicine, or a weapon. It comes from the Spirit of God.
Purpose: I have a higher purpose in life than making money or simply surviving to the next day. I live for a King and a kingdom. When I wake up everyday, I do something that makes an eternal difference. That’s my purpose.
The needs above can only be met by God. If I don’t depend on God to meet those needs, then I automatically transfer those expectations to my wife. That’s called the Principle of Transference: We put expectations on each other that neither of us can meet.
But all of us also have needs that we can meet for each other. Men need honor and friendship. Women need open and honest communication and affection. These needs are different, and we rely on each other for them.
That’s how God designed marriage. He gave each of us individual needs that only He could meet, but He also gave us needs that another person can meet for us. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need marriage. He designed us to depend on each other.
You have to listen to each other and understand how you each see the world. You have to learn to work together. Instead of rejecting each others differences, you could began celebrating them and viewing them positively.
One of the four major predictors of divorce is negativity. When a negative tone sets up in your relationship—when you begin to pick on each other and point out faults—it begins to cause immediate damage.
Your spouse is always trying to tell you what his or her needs are. Some of them you will meet. Other needs God will meet. Your spouse’s words and behavior will show you what these are, if you will only pay attention. Listen, seek understanding, and respect who God created them to be.